“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” ~Ernest Hemingway
Ironically it’s very seldom that we truly know the root cause of our suffering.
We feel so lonely we seek solace in others.
We become completely bored with the shallowness of it all, but blindly continue to seek more of the same.
We work to live, not live to work.
We wonder why we chose to live this way, but never do anything about it because at birth we were given a set of life instructions indicating the way our life was to be.
But then one day we start questioning everything. The little things. Because it doesn’t make sense.
Because the way we were told to be is a perfect formula for numbness.
So you finally remember that you came here to live and not die a slow death.
So you dance. And you love with an unconditional love, so great, that it’s unfathomable.
And then one day you realize that what hurts is something very different than what you had initially expected.
It has transmuted into something with more grandeur, as you start feeling the pain of the world.
And alas there’s the pain of missing someone that you have never even met.
Do you ever wonder why we recreate history ?
What is it that compels us to relive the same situation again with a different person, when we know how things will end?
Is it because we believe that since we have been here before it will hurt less?
Or is it because we are still too arrogant to think we could change the result?
Too soon one falls in love, and too soon that person finds the woman of his dreams.
Having been here before, does that make one sort of a sweet catalyst for the other person’s discovery of true romantic love?
Is one’s unconditional love simple a gateway to a world the other person never new existed?
With one’s tragedy being that one would lose that other person forever; yet be forever selflessly happy for them?
And still, one would repeat history again if one could.
Even though it desperately hurts.
Just to love them again.
Just to be able to have them in one’s life just one more time.
Did I fall in love with you today, or was it yesterday?
As for here, we have never even met.
Was it in a different time, or in a different place beyond this universe?
Am I loving you right now?
Do we find ourselves currently together, but in a different land foreign to this world?
Flashbacks of moments that never existed,
I can still taste the scent of your hypnotizing energy.
I know nothing about you, yet I know everything.
Drawn to you, you visit and speak to me with love, but in my dreams.
The earth signals to us as our frequencies grow stronger, succumbing to each other’s desire to find one another.
Is this part of a game we both agreed to play together?
One where we decided to place ourselves in each side of the world, only to see if we could magnetically, and without a physical meeting, find one another?
Because what a wonderful feeling it is to know that you are in this world.
I ran to the front door quietly, as to not wake my sleeping mom.
I could see him parking his car out front.
As he got out of his car and commenced walking towards me, I could feel my face blushing, gleaming with delight.
I could not believe he was actually there in front of me.
Worried that someone would see him, I barely looked at him and awkwardly beckoned him into my dark and quiet home.
I was sneaking him inside my childhood bedroom, and didn’t want my mom knowing he was there.
Leading him down the dark and long hallway, I showed him to my room.
He walked inside, and I followed. My back towards him as I locked the door, I could already feel his firey energy on the other side of the room. Still. Waiting.
As I turned to face him, we both stood silently for a moment, just looking at each other. As we both smiled big penetrating smiles, I analyzed each and every detail in his face.
Taking in his energy which tasted so familiar, I admired his being. I had longed to be in his presence again for so long.
He looked different, but the same.
Our bodies now becoming two magnets that could no longer resist each other, swiftly met in the middle of the bedroom.
Caught in a long awaited embrace, our energies combined and danced together beneath a deep passionate kiss.
It was rain after a long drought. A frozen moment in time.
I felt so much passion. So much love. So much pleasure.
We made love for what felt like hours. We took breaks in between catching up on lost time.
We had conversations between kisses, and then we would get lost in passionate love making again.
But once the sun started rising, he had to go.
He promised he would come back to see me later that day.
I let him out of the house, and watched, satisfied, as he drove off.
Time, although not linear, still places each of these pieces in perfect order.
One piece must first be placed into the jigsaw puzzle so that the other may follow, but the second cannot exist without the first.
The falling away of an old relationship, followed by another, and then another was caused by each new jigsaw piece placed.
Each new piece once added provided just a little more color and insight as to the new shape commencing to lay out before you.
At first you may not like the shape that appears to be forming. Each of those small jigsaw pieces may be dark, distasteful, and confusing.
You may not be able to foresee the new shape that’s being created because there are so many pieces of this part of the puzzle still missing.
Resistant to change, you may see ugliness, and nothing exciting about what has newly transcended.
However, still, and out of curiosity to know what will end up coming out of all this, you choose to continue to place the next piece, and then the next.
And then there’s that serendipitous moment; that moment that like magic finally arrives. Now you have enough pieces laid out in front of you to be able to finally see that the combination of these has revealed a larger unfounded truth.
Each of these pieces, each of these happenings, and every knew piece of visual knowledge received, was preparing you for something bigger.
The big picture in all these sequential moments resulting in a major push forward. The shape of a large wave swaying you fiercely into a new alignment, for a grandeur, and more purposeful life.
We can choose to be victims, or choose to be avid students on a journey of self-discovery.
Things do not happen to us, but instead happen for us.
Therefore,
Let yourself fall into the rabbit hole.
Allow yourself to feel the sharp heart wrenching pain as you hit the floor.
Stay there for a little while and relish in your anger.
Savor that moment where you, dumb founded, realize how naively foolish you have been.
Humbled even more now, take a short rest.
Having given too much, you have earned this.
Life has started weighing on your soul.
Like a bag of tea you quietly seep into the depth of your thoughts.
But then after a long while, once you have fully digested all of it,
You start dancing with the idea that there is nothing wrong with you.
Instead, you have this epiphany:
Being different is not a burden; it’s what sets you apart.
You are light inside a universe full of dark matter.
The sun gives off its light so that your energy may give off color.
Your very existence sheds happiness and a glimmer of hope into this world.
And as you gain back your strength and get back up, you realize that you have one of the universe’s greatest treasure.
Resilience.
You will ALWAYS rise above stronger than before.
-gg
I Am Rainbow Gabby 
